Fine. I give up. Addendum: If you change your mind let me know although why would you and why is there even a part of me that still can hope even now that you might and that there could ever be a chance?

Boo they're out of Linda Linda Linda. I'm pretty bummed. Stupid only three copies at the video store.

Oh man. So I was at the video store the other night and browsing when notice a line coming on the speakers over and over--"Linda, linda, linda-ah-ah!"--sung by a Japanese girl and it just sounds like an awesome Japanese pop song a la Shonen Knife or some such--pop punk in English done by Japanese girls with a less than fluent grasp of the language, aka AWESOME. Turns out it's this film titled, "Linda Linda Linda" (surprise!), and that the song is actually a song by a Japanese band called The Blue Hearts. Unfortunately the original is sung by a guy instead of being a band solely comprised of teenage Japanese girls, but yeah. I have to see this movie. I kind of wish the whole movie were just those girls singing awesome songs. But it looks like a good film besides the music. Yay.

So LJ is telling me that I've "only made 3 friends" and giving me suggestions on how to have more friends on this. Great. A blogging site has decided to rag on my antisocial awkwardness. Even this place, the internet, where it's pretty much expected that everyone is in front of their computer instead of actually interacting with anyone has decided that I could use some help socially. THANKS A LOT FOR REMINDING ME. ::cries::

So I read a celebrity gossip mag for the first time today. Like I've looked at headlines on them before, but I've never actually sat down and read anything in them until today. It was actually kind of fun. Considering how much I love snooping on people I barely know, it figures that I would kind of like celebrity gossip as well. K-Fed's ex who he has two kids with is an older black lady! Robert Rodriguez who's seeing Rose McGowan has an ex-wife who's older than him and unattractive! Jake Gyllenhall and Reese Witherspoon both like to exercise! Jake can run a mile in 6 minutes! Reese is very dedicated and runs 2-3 miles regularly! Lauren from MTV Reality show "The Hills" is said to have a sex tape and spills to US Weekly what's true, what isn't and WHO'S TO BLAME! Angelina Jolie's brother is kind of weird looking!

It's pretty ridiculous, but I think perhaps it might've been best if I had avoided reading it in the first place. This seems like the sort of thing I could rather easily get addicted to and I really don't need to be reading US Weekly all the time...

So I wrote an obscenely long e-mail to Bank of America's customer service. I had meant to transfer funds from my checking to my credit card to pay it off by the due date and instead had accidentally transferred from my checking to my savings--the wrong box had been highlighted or something. It was pretty obvious that I had meant it to go to my cc account. It was on the due date for the exact amount that was on my card at the time. Also, I feel like it's a pretty understandable error to have the wrong box highlighted. I called customer service to ask if the fee could be waived under the circumstances and was told that absolutely nothing could be done. This seemed pretty ridiculous to me. I've talked to many businesses and pretty much in every case when it was clearly not an issue of delinquency but rather of human error, those businesses have been understanding and made allowances. I kind of think this should be a general rule of thumb for pretty much most things in life. So I got really pissed off and wrote like a page long e-mail to customer service.

What kind of sucks is that I know that all I'm doing is just making some customer service representative hate their job even more at having to read an e-mail from some whiny bitch complaining about a $29 late fee. It's not like anyone's going to read it and be like, yeah, our company really should be more human and less of an inflexible structure, but yeah I couldn't help it. I just was really pretty dissatisfied by the whole interaction and even if it's a forum provided just so that they can be like look, you can voice your opinion!, I'll use it anyway. Also I was bored at work. I still can't help but feel like one of the bougie customers at Anthropologie who bitch about the return policy and like $5 difference in their credit though...

So I'm thinking that I really want to get a bike. It's starting to warm up and I would just like to be able to ride a bike around the Hill instead of driving around for ages trying to find parking and then getting ticketed bla bla bla. Still it's kind of stupid considering that I'm planning on leaving town in two months, but oh well. I just miss riding a bike, and I'd like to bike around this town while I can. Hopefully I can find someone to sell it to when I move?

I drove all the way down to this place on Beacon Hill to look at one today b/c I was too nervous about running into people at Recycled Cycles or 20/20, although I did check at Recycled awhile ago and they didn't really have the cute old looking road bikes I was looking for and I feel like I tempted fate enough by walking in there, 12th Ave. Bikes hates me b/c I'm about as concerned about the looks of a bike as how well it works, and I've been to a couple others and yeah, duh, everyone on the Hill wants a cute vintagey road bike. So I go to this super out of the way place and at first I thought that I had missed it, it was so far down Ranier, but then low and behold, S. Ferdinand St. I think pretty much every bike person who sees me can tell that I'm a very casual bike rider, more into the idea of riding around on a cute bike than actually knowledgable about bikes, so I always feel awkward when I go into bike stores. In any case there was a little Fuji bike in there that fits my frame and I think I'm going to get. We'll see. I test ride it on Tuesday. Yay bikes. It'll be nice when it gets more summery around here and I can bike around under the sun and read a book in Cal Anderson, being reminded of laying on the Quad back at school except that there's way more gay people here.

Listening to the song of a person I used to be able to talk to, wishing I could give my opinion on the songs to him, but I can't so I'm putting them here instead for some reason. I'm actully incredibly suspicious of music by anyone I know just b/c I'm pretty skeptical in general of people's talents, which is a cocky thing to say considering that I don't have any, but yeah. Additionally I never listened to this band b/c they started right around when things ended between us, and I just felt weird enough keeping up with him as much as I did much less his band, so I decided to draw the line. Also I wasn't sure how much my style their music would be either. But finally, I got curious enough to really listen. I actually really really like the first part of this one song. Like I can see how it's all good, but they kind of lose me at some parts because it isn't so much my taste, but the first couple minutes of this song I really like. Catchy, urgent, simple--it actually reminds me of something, but I can't figure it out, which is really bugging me. Also, I kind of wondering whether this song is incluenced by stuff that happened between us or whether I'm just being self-centered--hard to make out the lyrics. Oh well. It's a good song even if I think maybe it goes on a bit too long and has too many different parts and might be really awesome if it were more condensed, but then it wouldn't be their song anymore would it now?

Yeah, that was seriously a headline on "AIM Today." Oh of course "Black Music,"--that's my favorite genre of music. Errrr.

I'm not actually feeling quite so hateful towards being here as I sometimes can feel. I was just listening to Superchunk's cover of the Magnetic Fields song "100,000 Fireflies" and yeah, that also would've been an appropriate line to use in the Sebadoh lyric entry. I'm a dork. Can my whole life be summed up by song lyrics? The answer is apparently yes.

Lucky Dragons is the coolest. I love how his show is like a really awesome science experiment and how sometimes you can't quite tell whether he's doing what he's doing in order to make the machine work, or just b/c he's a weirdo. Well worth seeing in a not socially horrible space and as long as you're not prone to epilepsy.

http://www.myspace.com/luckydragons

New Men is really great. So is Open Family and Mercy. Ok so I like everything.

I hate Seattle. This has turned into another lame week. I hate how there are all these places that I can't go because I had an awful falling out with one person. I don't know, I've accepted that most places I go, there isn't going to be anyone who actually wants me there or is happy to see me or whatever considering that most things I go to I go alone and without knowing a soul there. That I can handle. But last night was terrible.

I wanted to go to this show, Lucky Dragons, because I just started getting way into them and it seems like the sort of music that I would really love. It was at the same place where I missed Y.A.C.H.T due to their never correctly updated calendar where this show also had multiple dates listed in various places and I was super nervous about missing it. I end up showing up late after a bad dinner with someone who had been annoyed w/ me all day and who later chewed me out for having the wrong payment etiquette, and I was concerned about missing this band that I really wanted to see. After driving around finding parking the first person I see, from his back, is the one person I am most scared of ever seeing again. But I try to toughen up since I do really really want to see this band. I had already let him cow me into not seeing an artist who I love and I just didn't want to let him do it to me again. So I go in and I'm not really sure whether it's in between acts or whether the show is over and just a whole bunch of people are loitering b/c everyone is friends w/ everyone else at this place. And of course I see like 4 very close friends of his who know the story since anyone who's even vaguely friends with him does probably due to this most lovely form of communication, Livejournal, and who are all sort of viewing me at askance with looks that say plainly, "What the fuck are you doing here?" So after trying to hide for about 10 minutes (not easy in a room the size of a living room), I give into my heart that's ready to jump out my chest due to stress and flee. The guy I want to avoid is right by the door, which makes my flight harder, and I just stare at the ground and try to avoid eye contact. So yeah, I hate this town, and I hate how at first I felt like an outsider and have only gone on to feel like a full on leper the longer I stay here. I mean considering all that I did to him, I deserve to be outcasted from society, but just because I deserve it doesn't mean that it doesn't also feel absolutely terrible.

Also related is this art project that I've been trying to do for months but can't b/c the same person I want to avoid occupies or has close friends who occupy all of the public silk-screening places. It's taken me months to get all the materials I need and build the frames, etc. etc. but finally, I had everything I needed a couple nights ago. The only room available for a darkroom that also had a tub was the upstairs bathroom, which incidentally also has a skylight, so I can only do it at night. My parents are selling the house in a few months, so I'm completely paranoid about ruining their property value by dripping emulsion somewhere and anytime it drips I end up scrubbing at it desperately so it doesn't set. Also, I end up dropping the spoon I was using to put the emulsion on the screen into the jar of emulsion so I try pouring some emulsion on the screen and pour waayyy too much. I try to save the screen and go on w/ the whole 3-4 hour process (lottsss of time is spent waiting for the screen to dry) which is a huge mistake and I end up not exposing the transparency for enough time so yeah, totally unusable screen and a very tired me are the only results of my work. Also, since I'm dumb and hadn't planned on fucking up the screen so bad and had planned on making permanent prints, I didn't have the right materials w/ which to clean the screen, so I couldn't clean it until the next day and I'm not completely sure I've been able to "reclaim it" and that when I try using it again it will work. Sigh.

Sebadoh really had it right, I need to leave this town.

So I continue to have a really lame week.

Tuesday morning I had to go in to work at 5 am. On my way to work, I end up skidding around a curve towards the oncoming traffic, I turn to avoid it and my car does a 180, and finally the rear end of it hits the guardrail on the side of the road while I close my eyes and pray that I'm not about to die. I get out of the car and find, thank god, that the only damage to the car is that the rear bumper is cracked, and then, yes, I get back in and go in to work.

On the way home from work, from which they send me home early at 8 am so the weather has only gotten worse and hasn't had time to melt off, I have to go up this immense hill. There are tons of cars parked on both sides of the roads, blinkers on, horrible warnings of what could very easily become my own state of affairs. The car in front of me ends up getting stuck, which of course screws me over. Why did they stop moving? Are they retarded? Do they not know that once you stop moving up an icy hill that you never regain traction???? In any case, I very nearly get stuck. My car starts making awful noises while lights blink repeatedly to tell me that my tires have no grip and I move to lower and lower gears just praying that my car doesn't start sliding backwards. Finally, I make it to the top, my heart pounding and forever cementing my hatred of snow and anything snow related (i.e. skiing).

Today, it turns out that my boss is really pissed at me b/c he got some messages late. Messages that came in on Tuesday when I opted not to go into work b/c I was so incredibly stressed from the events earlier that day. I got into a fucking car accident. My car did a 180 on the road. I'm so sorry I didn't come into work to record that message for you. God. And you know, I could've left work last night at 11:30 pm, but I stayed until 12:30 am to take down messages and pay bills b/c I know how important that is to him. So yeah, I'm pretty pissed and I ended up just sobbing in the bathroom at work for awhile b/c I was just so frustrated. What an awful week.

I am so incredibly stressed right now. I tried to make my first student loan payment today, and I couldn't b/c I've misplaced my check book and have no idea what my bank's routing number is, and in addition it would've been late anyway since it takes like 2-3 days to process. AHHHHHHH. Now I'm past due for my first freaking payment and there goes my chance to lower my interest rate and why why why???? I'm going to the bank tomorrow and I'm going to call Sallie Mae too and hopefully they can waive it for me, but man I'm an idiot. This sucks even more than it already sucks to have to start paying $135 or so dollars every month for like 15 years.

So, I just found out today that my parents, despite having misplaced long ago my birth certificate, still have the birth certificates that the Cabbage Patch kids I got when I was like five came with. What????

Okay, I give in--I like Band of Horses. I've been too lazy to listen to them for 9 months because hype has the total opposite effect on me, making me even less inclined to check out a band, I'm not really into Sub Pop releases because I feel like they consistently get more publicity / acclaim than they merit, and then the fact that I feel like current indie rock is kind of tired and I prefer stuff a little to the side of it i.e. lo-fi pop / folk or early 90's indie rock (ok yes, I'm a total snob). But since the easiest way for me to listen to music while I'm at work is through the hype machine, and hence necessitates that I listen to bands with enough hype to get their songs posted on 20 bazillion blogs, I finally found myself checking them out. And yeah--not bad. Not exactly a super new sound, but it's good. Kind of what I've been wanting to listen to for a bit actually, a little bit of a country-rock twinge with a sprawling sound. I don't think I'm going to be purchasing it though--I hate feeling like one in a mass, and while much better than I had expected, it should be said that I didn't exactly have high expectations and it definitely does give me a little of that boring indie rock feeling. So basically this whole entry is just me being a super snob and going, "Oh look, this band isn't as bad as I thought they were--I guess those dumb masses aren't totally wrong all the time!" I am such a total ass sometimes.

I'll pretend that it's okay.
"We'll just be friends," so the wires say.
And I will be here when you come back
to speak to me low--speak to me low.

I've had this Mirah song stuck in my head for awhile. It's kind of funny, for the longest time I thought the line was

And I'll be damned if that's okay.
"We'll just be friends,"--what are you saying?

I kind of like it better my way, though the phrase "so the wires say" is admittedly better.

I don't know, I'm still feeling pretty melancholy about stuff, although I am rather amused that I rolled out the word "magnanimous" in a sentence without even trying. I was actually a little embarrassed right after I said it, who says that word, honestly? It's so clunky and ridiculous sounding, but yup, it came to me before "generous."

The power finally came back to my house on Tuesday night. A tree apparently fell onto my side of the house, then broke in half and the other part damged the other side of our house. I hadn't slept in my bed since Wednesday. It was soooooo nice to finally get back home. I do not like sleeping at other people's places for close to week, as nice and GENEROUS as those people are for letting me stay for so long. It was kind of funny, my parents started dropping off clothing to me every few days, and the first time they even brought food: a huge container of soy milk, fancy, delicious cereal, and a banana. It was hilarious. Did they think that my friends had no food because in fact they did not eat but instead received energy from photosynthesis? It was kind of awkward, rolling into my friend's place the first night with a huge bag of clothes, and then another bag of food. That's not presumptuous at all, and it definitely doesn't give the impression that I'm planning on living there.

Because of all the drop offs from my parents I ended up with bags and bags of clothing in my car, miscellaneous food, and then my art project, books, other media, glassware etc. I looked like an upscale homeless person, living out of my Acura, crammed full of paper shopping bags from Anthropologie, Nordstrom, and Banana Republic, layering it up in designer duds. People would opt to walk instead of ride with me b/c they were so put off by the pile of stuff in the passenger seat.

But whatev, all's well that ends well. My car is mostly clean again, and I'm sleeping at home. I still miss you B, although calling you only by your initial makes me think of Buffy the Vampire Slayer since that was what Faith always called Buffy, "B". Yeah--I'm a dork. What, what?

So apparently the winter holidays are the time for relationships to hit the fan, or at least so says my trend watch of the "I Saw U" column in the Stranger. It's odd, I was completely convinced that someone had placed an ad for me there, one of the ads that are from estranged ex-lovers and are usually filled with uncomfortably intense feelings of betrayal, rage and bitterness, especially considering that ultimately this is a public forum. It turns out it wasn't him, and he never lies so ultimately I believe him, but I'm still pretty shocked at the coincidence that there was another pair going through similar things and expressing them in similar ways at the exact same time. And just generally, I've noticed a lot more of the really sad "I Saw U"'s appearing lately. 1 two weeks ago, 1 last week, and now 3 this week. Are more people having horrendous break-ups or is it just the season that makes people feel more lonely and apt to express their pain via of all places an I Saw U ad? Hopefully the latter case, although I don't think that's really all that much better than the former.

P.S. To end this entry on a less bummer of a note, I read Xiu Xiu's blog today where Jamie posted a list of the number of people he slept with. Something like 46! Woah. He he. Lists are fun, especially lists like these. Except when they make you remember people that you slept with that you want to pretend you never slept with / never existed. Then that's just embarrassing. Ok, so what I'm saying is that I'm nosy and only care about other peoples "Who I've Fucked" lists and don't ever want to put mine onto paper.

So given the fact that none of the places I spend my time in have sufficient heat, I've taken to mass layering. At the clothing store, they cannot close the doors unless it's below 50 degrees and at the arts center our heater makes about as much noise as a train and smells like burning. This has turned me into an excellent customer service representative in both cases. In the former I end up hovering by the one area of the front of the store that is heated, and of course has a giant tree that obscures me from seeing any entering customers. In the latter, I end up glaring at any person evil enough to enter our establishment and let in a gust of wind that will hit me far after they've gotten to sit down beneath a well heated space to dine.

At my home, where our thermometer lies behind a bookcase for which you actually need to take out three books and shine a flashlight in order to change the temperature, I indulge in my layers to the point where necessity far outweighs style and I end up looking homeless. I eat while shrouding my figure beneath blankets. Picture this: fuzzy leopard print slippers, socks, leggings, sweatpants, sweatshirt (matching), sweater over the sweatshirt, scarf, and a fancy winter jacket. I would've worn gloves / mittens if I still had any. Sometimes I actually sleep with all this on (not the jacket, but yes the scarf), it's kind of comforting being all muffled up, throwing myself onto my bed because it's a little tricky to actually bend. However, the wearing of leggings every single day has resulted in some really intense indents along my calves, which makes me feel weird. Maybe because it kind of looks like zippers going down the side of my legs and the idea of that is just gross? I don't know.

I'm thinking I need to go on vacation.

So I went to go see Hot Chip last night. Normally the more hyped up the band is the less enthused I am, but Portastatic covered them, and I love anything Mac McCaughan related, so to see Hot Chip I went. It was pretty great. I haven't danced danced at a show in awhile and yeah, they're pretty good for that. The only blemish to the outing? The couple "dancing" right next to me. He was just swaying back and forth slowly (someone doesn't know how to keep beat) totally rubbing his crotch against her butt.

GROSS DON'T COME NEAR ME I DON'T WANT YOUR PRE-CUM.

(Yeah I pretty much just wrote this entry so I could type that out in all caps).

I kept on wanting them to leave and go have sex already but apparently rubbing was enough for them. Also for part of the night I was right behind two total tall guy squares. How am I supposed to dance with that in front of me? But eventually, crowds shifted, space was given, people who weren't dancing moved, and I was able to totally do my own silly stepping on my own feet thing in comfort. Hooray!